The following is a transcript for the episode "Doom Service."

Script

The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Viacom International Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Paramount Skydance Corporation), and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use under United States copyright law.

[Royal Woods Mall. The Louds are walking (with Leni carrying Lola) through the mall when Lily spots something]
Lily: "Choo-choo train! Choo-choo train!"
Lynn Sr.: "Lily, Lily, we don't need a train set. We're here for a coffee table."
[Lily groans and blows a raspberry in response.]
Lisa: "As ours has been reduced to firewood kindling."
Lana: "My bad. Next time, my dogsled team will use a real sled." [Flashback to earlier. Lana is using the coffee table as a makeshift sled in the living room with Charles, Cliff, and Walt pulling it. They accidentally crash the sled off-screen. Back to the present] "Ugh. I'm still picking splinters outta my butt."
[Lisa eyerolls.]
Lynn Sr.: "Now, people, eyes on the prize. Do not get distracted by anything."
[Just then, Lincoln gets distracted by something.]
Lincoln: "Whoa! All-inclusive vacations?!"
[There's a stand advertising said vacations. He rushes over and grabs a brochure, but Vic, disguised as the stand owner and wearing a palm tree costume, pops up, startling him.]
Vic: "That's right. At a luxurious new lakefront Michigan resort!" [shows the brochure] "We've got it all: five-star dining, posh suites, brand-new gym, cruises around the lake, did I mention the posh suites? You pay up front and everything is included for your stay."
[The other Loud kids are entranced by the vacation when Lynn Sr. pulls up and stops them]
Lynn Sr.: "Alright, alright, alright. Family meeting time." [pulls them away. A leaf from Vic's costume droops over his eyes, and he blows it up.] "Guys, what did I just say? We are here for a coffee table."
[The kids protest]
Lincoln: "Please, Dad?"
Luan: "I don't need to go to college."
Lola: "I'll never ask for anything ever again this week."
[Vic pops up near them.]
Vic: [mockingly] "Yeah, Dad, please? Just wait until you see our prices."
[He hands Lynn Sr. a brochure. The parents read it and are shocked at the price]
Rita: "But that's so cheap!"
Lisa: "Ahem." [grabs the parents by the collars and pulls them to her eye level] "Something is not adding up."
Vic: "It's the off season, so we're giving out deals, little girl. Might wanna take advantage."
Lisa: "Hmm..."
Vic: "Especially because this one-time offer is only available for the next, uh..." [checks watch] "Five minutes." [blows a leaf from his mouth and shows the deal]
[The parents look at the deal, then at each other, and smile before turning to their kids, all of whom (except Lisa) are starry-eyed.]
Lynn Sr.: "Alright, what the heck? We're due for some fun. The Louds are in!"
[The kids cheer]
Vic: [pulls out a stack of papers] "Just sign this and you're all set."
[He sets the stack down so hard one of the papers goes flying and is caught by Lisa.]
Lisa: "Uh, Father, I recommend reading this legally-binding document first."
Lynn: [imitates buzzer] "That's gonna take forever! Just sign it, Dad."
Lola: "Yeah, Lisa! Stop being a worrywart! It causes early onset wrinkles."
Lynn Sr.: "I appreciate the concern, Lisa, but I think we're OK." [finishes signing] "We leave tomorrow morning!"
[All the kids cheer, except Lisa. Vic snickers maliciously as Lisa notices.]
Lisa: "Hmm..."

[Vanzilla pulls up to the resort and the family gets out and enters the foyer.]
Lynn Sr.: [impressed] "All right."
[They notice Vic and Gilly at the front desk and gasp]
Lincoln: "Vic?!" [Vic snickers] "You work here?!"
Vic: "Didn't recognize me under those palm fronds, huh? Yep, Gilly and I own this place," [starts scratching his pet under the chin] "don't we, Gill-gill?" [kisses her] "Your room is right down the hall."
[He tosses Lynn Sr. the room keys]
Lincoln: "Dad, I don't know about this. Vic has pulled shady stuff in the past."
Lynn Sr.: "I think you're overthinking it."
[He pats Lincoln on the head and leaves. Lincoln frowns in disappointment]

[The Louds reach Room 237]
Lynn Sr.: "All righty, here's our room." [opens the door with the room key, only to be greeted with a foul smell] "Oh, my... Ugh, what is that smell?!"
[The room is indeed dilapidated as everyone gags in disgust. Lisa approaches an overfilled trash can]
Lisa: "I've located the source, Father. I believe it used to be scrambled eggs. Or chicken."
Leni: "This is so not like the pictures."
Lola: "More like something out of a horror movie!"
Lucy: "Oh, yes, please."
Rita: [gasps] "Look! You need quarters to use anything in this room! Blankets, towels, pillows..."
Lynn: [in the bathroom] "The can, too!" [her gut rumbles] "I need a quarter, stat! Those gas station burritos went right through me..." [groans]
[The lights go off]
Lisa: "Hmm. Our time for the lights must have expired."
[Lola faceplants herself onto the bed, wailing.]
Lola: "This is terrible! Daddy, do something!"
[Suddenly the bed rumbles, and a flock of pigeons burst out, much to the family's horror.]

[At the front desk, Vic is taking photos of Gilly in a beach backdrop]
Vic: "OK. Give me spring break vibes. That's right."
[Lynn Sr. shows up at the front desk, spitting out feathers.]
Lynn Sr.: "Vic, we need a different room." [keeps spitting out feathers] "Ours is a complete dumpster fire!"
Vic: "Sorry you feel that way, but currently you're a level yellow client, which is why you're in the yellow room. Now, I could upgrade you to the purple level where you might be more comfortable, but you'll need to pay more."
[He produces another contract, and Lynn Sr. looks at it and lets out a scream so loud it can be heard outside the resort as a few pigeons fly out.]
Lynn Sr.: [angry] "That's a car payment, for a very nice car! No thank you. We'll stick to the yellow room." [storms off]
[Vic lets out an evil laugh, with Gilly joining him. Gilly's breath lets out a smelly odor]
Vic: "Ugh! Gilly, no more fish heads for dinner."
[Gilly hisses in disappointment.]

[Back in Room 237. Lynn Sr. slams the door shut]
Lynn Sr.: "Well, we're gonna have to make it work! Unless we wanna hand over the kids' college funds for an upgrade!" [facepalms] "I am so sorry..." [collapses]
Lisa: "Uh, now's not the time to say 'I told you so' about the contract, right?"
Lincoln: "Look, guys, I know this room is disgusting, but there's gotta be some stuff we can enjoy, like the pool tomorrow."
Luan: "Ooh, and the Dream Boat finale is on!"

[Later, they're watching The Dream Boat]
Announcer: "Tonight on The Dream Boat..."
Samuel: "She has an eye condition, Stan. You can't splash her!"
[Suddenly the TV cuts to static]
Leni: "How did Stan respond? We missed it!"
Lynn Sr.: [trying to insert quarters] "Hold on, hold on..."
Lola: [with her own stack of quarters] "Move over, Daddy! You're not fast enough with the quarters!"
[She shoves him aside and starts shoving quarters into the TV, which turns back on]
Announcer: "Well, that was the most shocking thing we've ever seen on Dream Boat! See you next time!"
[The Louds all groan in disappointment.]

[The next morning, at the dining room.]
Lynn Sr.: [nervously with his eyes covered] "Oh, boy, I'm afraid to see what the breakfast buffet looks like."
[He uncovers his eyes as the Louds all gasp at what they're looking at]
Leni: "OMGosh!"
[The buffet is filled with immaculately-prepared food]
Lincoln: "See? There's stuff we can enjoy."
Lynn: [shoves him aside] "Out of the way, Stinkin'! I'm about to go to work here."
[She grabs a plate and prepares to pick some muffins when Gilly appears and hisses at her.]
Vic: "Uh-uh-uh. This is our red-level buffet. The yellow-level buffet is over there."
[He's pointing at a disgusting-looking food selection, with smelly food in barrels]
Lynn: "There's nothing here but canned tuna!" [gags]
Vic: "Oh, and don't forget there's a fee to use the can opener."
[The Louds groan]

[The Louds visit the pools]
Rita: [hopeful] "Well, this looks promising."
Lincoln: "CANNONBALL!"
[He's about to leap into the pool when Vic snags him with a life preserver]
Vic: "Uh-uh-uh. Yellow-level customers can only stick their feet in the water. If you wanna put your body in, you have to pay a fee."
[The Louds groan]

[Lola is at the spa]
Lola: "What spa treatments are available for yellow-level?"
Vic: "I'm glad you asked."
[Cut to Lola lying face-down on a spa bed as Gilly repeatedly slaps her back with her tail.]

[Lincoln and Lynn Sr. are near the lake.]
Lynn Sr.: "I know Vic's a scammer, but how bad could a free boat ride be?"
[Cut to the two floating in a barrel]
Lincoln: "Very bad, as it turns out!"
[The barrel falls down a waterfall as the two scream.]

[Later, a drenched Lincoln and Lynn Sr., the former's hair covered in seaweed, come back to the resort, Lincoln spitting out a wriggling fish. They march up to the front desk]
Lynn Sr.: [angry] "All right, Vic, that's the last straw. This entire weekend's been one big scam! I demand a refund!"
Vic: "No can do. You should've read the contract." [takes it out] "It clearly states..." [holds a magnifying glass to the text] "No refunds."
[Lynn Sr. groans and drags Lincoln with him, yanking the seaweed off of Lincoln's hair.]

[Room 237]
Lynn Sr.: "I am so sorry. I tried to get our money back, but I couldn't." [collapses, voice breaking] "I failed you as a father..." [suddenly more pigeons burst out of the bed and startle him] "AAH! MORE PIGEONS!"
Rita: "Maybe we should just go home."
Lincoln: "Hang on a second. We're going to let Vic get away with this?"
Lola: "What other choice do we have?"
Lincoln: "Maybe we can turn the tables on him. What if we expose him to the world? We could get Katherine Mulligan to do an undercover piece."
Rita: "That's not a bad idea, Lincoln."

[Later, Katherine Mulligan shows up to the resort, her identity barely masked by a wig]
Katherine: "This is Katherine Mulligan making undercover look good." [checks herself in the mirror. Lincoln gives her a thumbs-up, and she gives him a thumbs-up as she approaches the front desk] "Hello. I'm Katie Mully, checking in."
[Lincoln fistpumps]

[Later, Katherine is in a swimsuit and about to enter the pool. Lincoln is hiding underneath a stack of towers.]
Lincoln: "Psst. Try jumping in the pool and see what happens. It's unbelievable."
Katherine: "This is Katherine Mulligan saying, 'You got it.'" [gets on the diving board] "This is Katherine Mulligan making a splash."
[She dives in the pool, her wig hovering in the air before also landing in the pool. She surfaces, looks around, and shrugs. Vic then shows up with a towel]
Vic: "Here's a complementary heated towel. Enjoy your swim."
[Lincoln growls in disappointment.]

[Later, Lynn and Katherine are headed to the dining room]
Lynn: "Wait till you see the food they serve." [stops when she realizes what's going on] "Huh?!"
[Katherine is at the red-level buffet]
Katherine: "Ooh, a dessert bar? Yes, please." [gets a plate and moves on]
Lynn: "What the heck?! Where's the tuna?!"
[Gilly hisses at her]

[Lola and Katherine are at the spa]
Lola: "Ask for the yellow-level massage. Then you'll have your headline."
[Cut to Gilly repeatedly slapping Katherine's back with her tail]

[Room 237. The Louds are watching Katherine's undercover piece]
Katherine: "This is Katherine Mulligan with a big story. Vic McGillicuddy's resort is the absolute best I've ever stayed at! Make sure to try out Gilly's massage. Oh, it's one-of-a-kind."
Lola: "I can't believe we wasted ten quarters just to find out our plan failed."
[Suddenly someone busts open the door. The kids turn to find out it's Vic.]
Vic: [laughs evilly] "Nice try, Louds. Asking Katherine Mulligan to do an exposé on me. But I was ahead of you. Again."
[Flashback to Katherine talking to Vic at the front desk]
Flashback Vic: "Anything else?"
Flashback Katherine: "Yes. Do you valet?"
[It turns out she's parked the news van in front of the resort.]
Vic: "Ol' Katie had a slick disguise, but it wasn't her brightest idea to valet the news van." [Back to the present. The Louds groan] "Oh, and thanks for the free advertising. Customers are now pouring in, so I need this room. I'm bumping you down to the beige level."

[The Louds are now bunking in a wooden cabin outside the resort.]
Lana: "Ugh. I didn't know we could go lower."
Lynn Sr.: [sighs] "He beat us again."
Lola: [goes to the window] "I just wish we could have given Vic a taste of his own medicine. Or any medicine, 'cause it's all yucky!"
Lynn Sr.: [gasps] "Gilly, too! Look at this. Now she's eating my tires!"
Lana: "Don't worry. Those are double tread."
[Gilly destroys the tires]
Lana and Lynn Sr.: "Dang it."
Lynn: "Ugh, who has a Gila monster for a pet, anyway?"
Leni: "Yeah, that thing is a menace. There should totes be a law against it."
Lisa: "Wait a minute. That's actually a salient point." [gets out her phone] "Let me just, uh, pull up the Michigan State Department of Wildlife Regulations..." [realizes] "Oh, uh, I need a quarter for the wi-fi."
Lola: "Got it."
[She adds a quarter to the wi-fi router. It beeps and shakes.]
Lisa: "Hmm... looks like Vic missed some fine print of his own."

[The front desk. The Louds approach Vic]
Lynn Sr.: "Hey there, Vic, old buddy, old pal. Afraid we've got some bad news for ya."
Lisa: "We just discovered that according to state regulations, Gila monsters are not allowed in hotel establishments. Animal Control is on the way as we speak."
[Vic gasps in horror as Gilly wraps her tail around his eyes.]
Vic: [panicking] "Okay, okay, I'll give you your money back! I'll bump you up to red level! Just call off Animal Control!"
Lynn Sr.: "All we want is the vacation we were promised."
Vic: "A deal! Are you doing it? Are you calling?! I can't see!"
Lisa: [calls Animal Control] "Hello, Animal Control? You can ignore my earlier report. It was just an unusually large rodent." [hangs up]
Vic: [cuddling Gilly] "Oh, my poor Gill-Gill, did these mean people scare you?" [Gilly nods] "Don't worry. Old Vic is here." [kisses Gilly to the Louds' disgust]

[Later, the Louds are living the life at the pool. Lynn is enjoying the buffet and munching on a chicken leg with another leg, an apple, and mashed potatoes in a bowl, Lynn Sr., Lily, Rita, Lola, and Lucy are sunbathing and watching TV, and Lana is snorkeling in the pool as Lincoln dives in.]
Rita: "Now this is more like it."
Lola: [snaps her fingers twice] "Keep those quarters coming, Vic. We're not missing another episode of The Dream Boat!"
[Vic is feeding quarters into the TV as Luna and Luan are having fun in the pool.]
Vic: [nervously] "Right away, Miss Loud..."
[Leni is relaxing in the pool with a floatie, passing by Katherine who is still getting slapped by Gilly.]
Katherine: "This is--" [slap] "--Katherine Mulligan saying--" [slap] "--I am still loving getting this massage." [more slaps] "That's the stuff!"
[Iris out on Katherine still getting slapped. The end.]